I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
