have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
