What did we do last night that was yellow?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
