I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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