Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
