Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
