You made me cry and you don't even care
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
