the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
