I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
