Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
