i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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