I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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