Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
