I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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