I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
