Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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