Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize