Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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