she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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