party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize