My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
