It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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