I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
