Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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