i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
