Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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