My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
