tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I want is dick and wine.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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