i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
