...so i touched it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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