did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
