And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
