After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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