Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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