Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
