kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize