Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
