So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
