Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
