some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
