I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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