You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
