so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
