I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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