My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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