Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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