kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
