I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
