mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
