If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
