I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
