Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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