And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
