Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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