He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
