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What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
