I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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