Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
