i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A+ Viking dick
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
