so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
