Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
