dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
