I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize