i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
